April 2015

I started this blog as a way to impart my knowledge to others of the struggles I have had with this illness over the last 20 years. Today I share something real, something raw. I share my pain.

I have been fighting depression since before Christmas. It’s after Easter and somehow I don’t feel like I’ve made any progress. My rational, logical mind tells me I have, but unfortunately my rational mind has been on vacation since this all started so I’m not very inclined to listen to someone who hasn’t been here for the hard stuff.

Literally up and down, and paralysed. Paralysed with the inability to think rationally, gripped by anxiety and the incessant voices in my head which tear me down. I’ve been fighting for so long, each day, I’m tired.

I just want to be done. Say, “I’m out.” Yet I know I’m not that far gone yet because I’m still here. My logical mind is still here and it tells me I can’t go that far. Not today. Yet the anxiety within wonders if one day I might go all the way. But this isn’t baseball.

I just want to be done. Say, “I’m out.”

Fighting for the last 20 years has made me so strong. So many times I’ve been broken, and healed. Yet the cracks show somedays, and today is one of those days. There are so many cracks I never know if an old wound is resurfacing or if it is some new one which will require a new tool to mend.

I’m really doing well, but this week has been rough. My mind has been lost within itself, my body has been on autopilot, and my insides have been quite empty. It’s a phase, a stage, it will pass, I will get through this, but I will have fresh cracks to carry forward.