I’m three weeks into my taper off the Lorazepam at 0.5 mg. I have gone down from 2mg in the last two months. I am doing really well. But for what ever reason, I am at a point where the edges of my mind feel like they are beginning to crumble. This is what it feels like when are on the brink of losing it. It doesn’t always happen, but when you have a mental illness, you learn to look for the signs, the triggers that mean you are on a one way trip to crazy land, and there might not be any return tickets available once you get there.
My mind is very slow, I’m very slow, and tired. I spent most of last night sweating profusely. It kinda smells like I’ve been drinking beer. In fact I haven’t had anything to drink in weeks! Every human interaction seems painful, because I feel like I have to concentrate so hard on what is happening. I’m dizzy, like a vertigo dizzy, and my vision is quite blurry. This is the result of my body withdrawing from that benzo, but what is happening in my mind right now feels like a warning that any minute I may begin to lose it.
It is so hard at this point to speak up. I just want to call my husband and say come home, come take Lexi, I just can’t do it, and go to bed. But the reality of it is, I don’t know. I’ve come so far, do I actually need to go to bed and let my body fight it out during a healing sleep? Or is this all in my mind, and I need to keep going forward?
Call on the Lord. Yes, that is easy! Hey God, help me! But when your mind is playing tricks on you already, it is hard to know what God is saying. Everything is garbled. This is the point that blind faith comes in. Believe it, believe God will heal you and show you the way. I may not be able to trust my mind 100%, but I can trust that God is there, that he has taken me this far and will never give up on me. I can’t give up on Him, and I can’t give up on myself. Yes, that it the pep talk….
Knowing God is there does make it easier, but not better. Sometimes I call on Him and feel such clarity, other times not so much. I’ve long suffered under the strain of a mind that wasn’t always thinking strait, and it is hard, very hard, to believe that this can all be over for me, but God is the God of Wonders and Miracles. Right now, I am praying for one.
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