(Warning: This post has strong language. Sorry in advance if this offends you, but this post is real and in sharing myself and my struggles I am not holding back today.)
So last summer God told me something was coming. I didn’t exactly know what was up, but I knew a spiritual attack was imminent. Things were about to change. What I didn’t know was how.
During the Autumn I begin to get the sense that I was smack in the middle of something headed my way. When I asked God about it He told me I was headed for some time in the Wilderness.
Oh Fuck that! I’m not doing that!
Nope, He was right. (As if He ever isn’t). Oh God, what is happening….
A season of depression, a season of hypomania, a little suicidal tendencies, and one enormous season of “To be or not to be” depressed….. DEPRESSION….
Ok, so I’ve finally hit, and admitted, that I have hit full blown, energy sucking, brain zapping, life altering DEPRESSION-mode. I’ve been here before. Never like this though. In the last seven months, I have experienced all, ALL, the horrible, life destroying symptoms of this illness. Thankfully I have not completely lost it in full blown mania or my wonderful husband may have just decided I was to much to handle!! But that freaky hypomanic espisode was more then enough for him I think.
I’m not going to dwell on all that today. Today I’m going to focus on my time in the wilderness and what that means. God put me in this season. He’s testing me, breaking me, and building me into a new creation, and right now it fucking hurts. I feel I’ve horribly failed him, made mistakes, but maybe that is all part of what ever this time is all about. From the beginning I have seen His hand in all this, and He’s been there the whole time.
I’ve asked him to take all this from me, to stop this, but he hasn’t responded. I’ve asked Him for strength, and he keeps giving me more challenges. (I’m done asking for strength, it’s kinda like asking for patience- He just keeps giving me situations that try your patience so you build it up, or hurdles to build my strength). Instead, he keeps telling me I’m in the wilderness….. WTF does that mean, I want out!!!
This is basically the conversation I had with God last week. Dude doesn’t talk much! Yet in his silence he says more then I ever could with all my many, many, endless words….. and I can talk! The silence of God reminds me I need to listen.
Ok God, dude, lets talk about this, man… Cause I don’t like this!!!
Ok, Ok, I’m here, what am I supposed to do now?
Oh wait, I kinda slacked off with the whole reading your word thing didn’t I?
And I haven’t really been living my life to glorify you, huh?
So I kinda need to get my shit together don’t I? And get my heart and my life ready for what ever you have waiting for me when I come out of this. So like, is this over yet dude, cause this sucks!
(Call me irreverent, but this is actually how my inner self talks with God. West-coast girl!)
So this Wilderness, what is this all about? In the Old Testament the wilderness was more then just a place, it was a time of transition and transformation, of revelation. The Israelites were led by Moses out of Egypt to the Promised Land. They spent forty years in the Wilderness, creating a new generation wholly dependant upon God and preparing to enter Israel. God prepared the people for what it would take to conquer the land, and He needed to make his people ready to face the trials that were coming.
Conquering a land and creating a new country are pretty big tasks. To think that only 40 years of preparation were needed is pretty amazing. I’m praying God doesn’t leave me out here for 40 years! Think of my skin!! Eek! (You can find this story in Exodus and Numbers. It’s long and boring, and an absolutely amazing read.)
In the New Testament we see another time in the Wilderness, Jesus just after his baptism is led by the Spirit into the desert to be tested by Satan. A time of testing and judgement comes, and we are given a clear dialogue of Jesus’ interactions with Satan and just how he was tested. Ego, pride, morality. Ya, I’m pretty sure I would have failed all those tests! (Matthew 4:1-11)
From these two stories you can read how God was with them always. He never abandoned them or condemned them, yet he was constantly there to guide them each step of the way. Through the testing and transformation each had to go through in order to transform into the people God needed them to be to face the trials that would follow. Our time spent in the Wilderness is a time of preparation, of building our spiritual strength for the job God has waiting for us.
God must really be working in me at the moment, because I feel as though I’ve been ripped apart and am being knit back together again. It is a painful process, one only made better with the realisation that God has never left my side, even though he might be pretty silent lately, I know he is still there.
To heal a bone, it must be broken first. To build muscle, it must first be torn. These things build strength in our physical bodies, and it is like this with our Spiritual bodies as well. God is using this time to tear me down, to tear away the things that shouldn’t be there, to strengthen me for what He has next in my life. I’m not gonna lie, it hurts like hell! But his blessings have been many and I know all this, everything I have endured, all the mistakes I have made, will be for His glory. And at the end of the day, that’s pretty much all that really matters.