Being bipolar, I fight everyday the inner voices threatening to consume me, stalking me in my head. They tell me I’m not good enough, people don’t like me, I’m not acceptable, I’ll never be good enough, likable, that I’m different and that’s a bad thing. It’s easier now that I’m stable on my meds to keep those voices away, but I don’t think they ever truly go away. They just linger in the back of my mind, hiding in a muffled haze of lithium infused cloudiness.
Six weeks after I had my daughter they came rushing back in full frontal assault. It was scary. I felt trapped by my own head, with no where I could go to escape. I sat at the head of my bed, clutching my newborn, crying over the fact that there are women in this world that can’t feed their children. And then I began to wonder what it would be like if I were homeless right now. Then I picked up my phone and called my phychiatrist and got back on my meds!
I don’t know what I would have done at that point if it hadn’t been for my faith. For so long I did it on my own. I notice there was a big difference in the me that went it solo versus the me that gave it all to God. “Let go and let God” just isn’t a saying for me, it’s something that I have to do everyday. Everyday I have to give up my self, because I just can’t do it without him. I just can’t fight my inner demons alone and win, or stay out of the hospital.
I know I’m different, and that’s the way God made me. Would I give up my bipolar? No, it’s a part of who I am, and God made me perfect just the way I am. I can’t see the whole picture, why I am the way I am, but God can, and thats ok by me. But I realize that He won’t give me more then I can handle WITH Him. Without Him, I can’t do this, I’ve tried and nearly died.