Snippet of my first ward experience. First thoughts, impressions, feelings. Both scary and relieving at the same time.
I was aware of the dread before I was aware of where I was. What had happened? Muddled mind and a woozy body made for a terrible combination. Smartly, I fought the urge to get up until my mind cleared. Still, I wasn’t exactly sure where I was. I recalled the ambulance ride, most everything else was hidden within my mind. Assuming I was still at St. Jo’s I was emboldened from my stance of hiding under my blankets all day. Embolden by the grain of knowledge that I hadn’t completely lost it.
The hallway outside was quite. There had been movement out side as I was coming to. A roommate’s suitcases and belongings were strewn around her side of the room against the wall. I had nothing. The clothes I was wearing were hospital issued. Nothing was left of me from the outside world. Removed from all those trappings I was suddenly afraid of who I was. Who was I to be in here? I knew I had messed up, but I didn’t understand why. These thoughts began to berate me in a fashion I had all to become accustom.
Before I could process another tangled bereavement I dove out into the hallway. It felt strangely peaceful but tense. There was a woman behind the main desk, but she had her back turned towards me as worked on something. I didn’t want to interupt her and I was still taking in my surroundings. It looked like a doctors office and a patient wing in one.
I was greeted by a nurse who came up from behind me, in the direction my room was. She said she had just check on me and I was up. I felt moderately invisible. She asked me if I felt like talking, and I said I had a lot of questions. Later that day I’d see the doctor, but first breakfast. All I know, is it was almost cold, bland and there was no coffee. Now I understood why people go crazy! I did eat though, I knew I’d need my strength to get past the next few days.