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Snippet of my first ward experience. First thoughts, impressions, feelings. Both scary and relieving at the same time.

I was aware of the dread before I was aware of where I was.  What had happened?  Muddled mind and a woozy body made for a terrible combination.  Smartly, I fought the urge to get up until my mind cleared.  Still, I wasn’t exactly sure where I was.  I recalled the ambulance ride, most everything else was hidden within my mind. Assuming I was still at St. Jo’s I was emboldened from my stance of hiding under my blankets all day.  Embolden by the grain of knowledge that I hadn’t completely lost it.

The hallway outside was quite.  There had been movement out side as I was coming to.  A roommate’s suitcases and belongings were strewn around her side of the room against the wall.  I had nothing.  The clothes I was wearing were hospital issued.  Nothing was left of me from the outside world.  Removed from all those trappings I was suddenly afraid of who I was.  Who was I to be in here?  I knew I had messed up, but I didn’t understand why.  These thoughts began to berate me in a fashion I had all to become accustom.

Before I could process another tangled bereavement I dove out into the hallway.  It felt strangely peaceful but tense.  There was a woman behind the main desk, but she had her back turned towards me as worked on something.  I didn’t want to interupt her and I was still taking in my surroundings.  It looked like a doctors office and a patient wing in one.

I was greeted by a nurse who came up from behind me, in the direction my room was.  She said she had just check on me and I was up.  I felt moderately invisible.  She asked me if I felt like talking, and I said I had a lot of questions.  Later that day I’d see the doctor, but first breakfast.  All I know, is it was almost cold, bland and there was no coffee.  Now I understood why people go crazy!  I did eat though, I knew I’d need my strength to get past the next few days.

photo credit: Rooftop New York via photopin (license)