The devil knows just when to plant a seed.

(Part 2: 1992)

I saw him, or shall I say he saw me first and was staring.  I was quite taken back by his forwardness. I didn’t speak to him, there were far to many people crammed into the little city bus.  It was quite sometime later, but I ran into him again at the club. He stalked me with those same eyes and cornered me in the hallway leading from the outdoor area. “Are you a witch,” he asked me?

What, do I look that ugly! “No.” I replied

“You have an amazing power coming from you. You are a white witch and you don’t even know it.”

Ok, so not the most crazy encounter I’ve ever had, but it was intriguing. Why did he think I was a witch? What what it in me he was sensing? I immediately thought it must be God. Although I was far from him in my life at the moment, I still could feel him there.  I figured this guy must be caught up in all that Wicca nonsense and be sensing God’s power within me, even though I’m all fucked up in life right now.  This time period would be my darkest.  The devil knows just when to plant a seed in your mind

I am married to a man I am slowly beginning to despise. In my deep depression I married a man I thought would “save” me.  Instead of a knight in shining armor, I got a malignant narcissist who keeps me at arms length and enjoys my self destruction.  Overdoses and suicide attempts only continued my downward spiral, with no more attention or affection from him.

The only escape I have was into the city, into the clubs and bars, into the vodka and pills. Into the goth club. As I began to self-regulate, to work on my depression and make an effort, it only drove my husband further away from me. Feeling hopeless I started seeing other people. No one healthy for the situation, just other lonely losers who let me down.

But I established myself in a little group, a coven. While I was never part of their coven, we spent a great amount of time together. One even lived with me and shared my bed for sometime. But that all changed in a fiery exchange one night. She broke my heart. I felt it was for the best, our relationship was poison anyways.

Over the next few weeks, things began to happen.  I really felt I was coming under attack from them. I’d never before even thought about really  using magick, but I finally did. I had books, I checked out more from the library. I did my research. A protection spell, a spell to bind them from doing me harm. So one night on my lanai, I drew a circle and cast my spell.

I knew this was wrong, but I felt compelled. As I began, I could feel this welling up inside me, as I kept going I could feel like energy emanating from me. It was like nothing else I’d ever felt before. I could feel my will going out into the universe, I could feel the individuals it was directed at, I could see them. I close my circle and grounded myself in the grass next to the lanai, it felt like a current going into the ground from my hands.

Then I promptly ran upstairs and puked and huddled on my bathroom floor for a long time and asked God to forgive me. I prayed, and turned my life back over to God, there on my bathroom floor at the end of December in 2004. Rock Bottom had been hit. I dabbled in the occult, and I won- it brought me back to Jesus.

The demeanor of those women was suddenly different towards me, like nothing ever happened. I don’t know if it was maturity or what I did. But all I do know for sure is that from that point forward, I belonged to God. I knew the darkness was real, seductive, enticing. It was seduced me, and it felt amazing. I felt powerful. I felt I could do things!

But inside I felt like something had hollowed out my soul. It hurt more then anything. The Spirit inside me was devastated, and in its grief I was overwhelmed by the love I could still feel from God in that moment. I finally understood Spiritual Warfare, what it was, and how it effects you.

A quarter of Jesus’ ministry is spent casting out demons, but we never talk about this. This was what I knew I was called to in life, but no one could ever explain why or what I was seeing. I don’t think most people, even the highly educated ones even fully understand this, and as a young woman asking questions, I think many who knew didn’t think I was ready for the answers.

It took me 24 years, a terrible choice, and a devastating mental illness to find some answers. I am bitter, I am angry at those who misled me or dismissed me. My bipolar is definitely a hinderance, but had I known, had I been told, had there been honesty on this subject to me, had I been mentored….. I am not sure I would have gone down such a dark path to find the answers.

In the end, God provided for me. He sent the right people, with the right answers, and the right help. My journey is not over. It has been almost 11 years since this night. Regardless of my actions, God was always there for me, and I know He will continue to be there for me each and every day.

(Part 4: 2011)