This month I’m experimenting with my self. I felt called to explore some spiritual aspects of my life which I felt were getting out of control and were misrepresenting who I am really am and how I want to live my life. God really impressed upon my heart a need to get to the bottom of some of my sinful nature. This is never an easy thing for a person to do, especially someone dealing with the stressors of medication and mental illness.
Maybe its the Valium and the feeling like I don’t give a damn lately, but most likely it’s the spirit continuing it’s work within me, transforming me into a closer likeness to who God made me to become. Either way, it’s been a pretty welcome change. I’ve consciously stopped wearing makeup!
No way you say!!
Yes, I actually have ignored the makeup brushes and palettes for the last two weeks. I must admit, I hate it. I hate not having the crutch of looking good, despite feeling like crap. Yet it is obvious to me this is the very reason I need to take a break, to have a “makeup fast”.
I have noticed a difference in the way people treat me as well, although it is not a severe as I thought it would be. My day-to-day wardrobe has also suffered a bit as well. Overall I have an extra 20 minutes in the morning, and have been using the time wisely by sleeping in!! It has been a bit of a vacation, though stepping outside does make me more anxious then normal without makeup. I guess this is precisely why I am on this makeup fast.
I am getting to know and embrace my 39 year old self. Not sure if I like her yet, but she is here to stay with emerging wrinkles and saggy eyelids. Suffering greatly from the side effects of benzodiazepine withdrawals, all I want to do is hide. Hide under a pile of makeup, or under a pile of blankets at home.
Depression is starting to creep in as well. I believe it has more to do with the sedating effects of the valium more then the lack of makeup, but I do admit the lack of makeup is hard some days. Yet I have been learning so much about myself since I stripped off the mask I wear.
I’ve learned first and foremost that the mask I put on physically was reaching into other areas of my life and becoming a spiritual mask as well. When dealing with mental health issues you learn you can not hide them and expect them to get better. You must admit they are there and confront them before you can properly correct your behaviour and thinking. So I to must you admit to my own sins and weaknesses, confess and repent of them, before I can effectively deal with them.
It is not an easy task, admitting one’s faults. I like thinking I’m perfect, my psyche is impenetrable, and I am exactly who God desires me to be, but that’s not reality. I’m flawed and in deep need of the God who saves and forgives, again and again. With each new challenge God sets before me, He draws me closer to himself. There is a stripping away of my old self, and this process will likely continue until the day I die.
I like to think my means illness and the struggles I have faced have prepared my heart for these challenges, but truth be told, it is never easy to look inside yourself see the measure with which God uses. It is painful, but with His help, it is so rewarding. My acne has cleared up, and I am getting used to seeing my naked face in the mirror. I still have a few weeks left in the month, but I will definitely be taking these new lessons God is teaching me into this new year and applying them. Sometimes you need to just go naked!