Rolling my grocery cart up the checkout lane I slowed down and kindly waited for one of the workers to move something before I moved in. As he moved out of the way, and I began to roll forward, some inconsiderate hag, mindless of anyone else, slipped right in front of me and began to unload her basket. Livid doesn’t even begin to describe it.
As I watched her merrily unpacking her items and standing in line, I stared with my laser beam eyes at the back of her head and pondered whether or not to ram my cart into the back of her, pinning her against the conveyor belt and screaming obscenities at her.
Of course, I didn’t even say a word.
I let the rage build inside of me and eventually let it go. And I don’t have an issue with rage the way some sufferers of this illness do.
One of the characteristics of bipolar disorder can be rage. Its not one of my bipolar-vices. Yet it does rear it’s ugly in head at inexplicable times, filling me with the urge fiercely beat someone with their own arms. It is an overpowering emotion which will cause me to snap, usually at someone I love.
I let the rage build
Normally I can remove myself from the situation and cool down, alone. I do find that when I get this feeling, being around people can often make it worse. Isolating myself is not always possible, but for the most part in life I do not have to face this monster. Luckily, my life is such, I can escape and sometimes for for a long walk or a run to ease the festering inside.
Bipolar skews not only your perception of reality, but of your emotions as well. I’ve heard people say bipolar makes you love harder and hate more then any normal person. I hate that I feel this way, and that I have no rational control of these emotions sometimes. Yet I have learned to cope and to watch for triggers.
So next time you are in the grocery store, look up please.