“That which does not kill us makes us stronger.” -Nietzsche

After this year, I think I am strong enough!

2016 started with with me in the middle of withdrawals from benzodiazepines. If you’ve ever seen heroine addicts coming off the drug I was like that, just a lot prettier looking and a much more drawn out process. I quit the nasty little pills in March, but it’s now the end of December and I have had some symptoms as recently as a few weeks ago.

Although it is so much better and I actually feel like the old Marianne has returned, I have had some anxiety symptoms returning that I have had to learn how to deal with. Over all, I am a lot less irritable and calmer. There are definitely parts of the last five years that are a bit fuzzy and a few memories I wish I could forget. Benzodiazepines are nasty, and they definitely change who you are. I’m hopeful 2017 will be the year I am finally free of all their effects!

I was just getting my life back last spring, getting over the night sweats, the weight gain, the abdominal pain from my Gabba receptors saying, “feed me,” when I broke my ankle.


I mean who just walks into their kitchen and falls down? I could totally understand if there were stars involved, or water on the floor, but come on!!!! My husband just looked at me and was just like, “Get up.” I was in so much pain, it was unreal. Thinking it was just a bad sprain I made him drive me to A&E. It wasn’t a sprain, it was a break.

We still managed our family vacation to Barcelona, but it was one of the hardest vacations. Without mom to pick up the pieces for everyone, and in a wheel chair, it was difficult. Yet we still managed to enjoy ourselves, and the wheelchair did come in handy at various places. If it hadn’t been so hot I think we would have all enjoyed it better. Its hard work being pushed around the city!!!

Just when life was returning to some semblance of “normal” and I could walk, I found a rat in my kitchen on evening. It was the biggest, hairiest, scariest rat I have ever seen. Mind you it’s the only rat I’ve ever actually seen. So I high-tailed it to the store and bought some rat poison to kill it! (Note to reader: don’t ever kill the rat, call a professional to catch it).

So the rat died under my kitchen somewhere. The stench was unbearable. The landlord was unavailable. In the end we had to wait it out. It was the worst couple of weeks of our lives. We barricaded ourselves upstairs and tried to hold our breath when walking through the house! Eventually the smell subsided, but not before my asthma kicked in to high gear and I got a nasty cold (which I lovingly shared with my husband).

That pretty much brings us up to date! I am definitely glad to see 2016 go. I know all of these trials have strengthened me in new ways. I am also a lot more mature, thanks in part to 2016 also being the year which ushered me into middle age at 40. I’m feeling a bit of trepidation for 2017 and all that it has in store, but I figure that if God has gotten me through this year there is so much good waiting for me ahead!