Valium. Done.

Withdrawal From Valium Complete

A week ago last Saturday I took my final tablet of valium (diazepam). I am official done taking benzodiazepine’s, for life!! The rest of my life I plan to make known to the ears of those that will listen the dangerous realities of that class of drugs. Over the next few weeks my body will expel the remainder of the drug from my system, and from my best guess I will be subject to possible surges of anxiety and withdrawn symptoms for the next year. If I am truly unlucky, symptoms will continue for 18 months to a few years, but I am going to expect the best and carry on!

I must say I am doing better then I expected to. Mind you, it is still only just over a week but my mind is surprisingly still intact. Since I ceased taking the lorazepam in October and switched to valium, I believe my time on the valium has allowed the worst of the lorazepam side effects to have already transpired while I was in that fog of valium side effects!

The worst symptom has been the “benzo belly.” Besides the weight gain on the valium since October, I am experiencing extreme bloating. The bloating was so bad I awoke a few days ago with such pain in my finger where my wedding ring was literally cutting into my finger. I did manage to pry my ring off, but not without leaving a very painful bruise. There is still quite the indent in my finger from my ring.

Another painful symptom is my lack of coordination in misjudging distances, like how close my bathtub is to my toilet while trying to clean it. I have a very nice bruise on my forehead. It is quite painful still 36 hours later especially since my daughter rolled over onto my forehead, hitting the exact spot I hurt, in the wee hours of the morning. As well as my head my foot seems to have become a weird shape as I have continuously been keep tripping over things!

I am unsure if I am experiencing anything else yet, or if I have grown so accustomed to feeling so poorly that I am used to a certain level of disfunction and pain. In a strange turn of events, I am thinking clearer then I have in months. Even though I look like I am sad or have been crying, I feel quite positive.

Next Steps

Now that I am here, I’m not really sure what to do next.  Six years of my life have been spent in this hole, it has become a normalcy that is disturbingly comfortable. I am having to reevaluate my behaviours and reexamine how I am to interact with the world around me. By the time I fully recover from the benzodiazepines mentally I will be moving back to Seattle, and this realisation makes me sad. Almost the entirety of my daughter’s life I have been held hostage to this horrible drug.

“For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” Ephesians 2:10

I am quite looking forward to this year though. Throughout the last two years God has really been leading me and teaching me, and it’s time to start putting some of what I’ve learned to good use! Time to do some “good works” because God has prepared me for this season ahead. (Even iff I can do some “mediocre works” I’ll be happy.)

I can’t go backward, and I can’t stay here, so I might as well keep moving forward and see what happens next!